Single Sheet Method

Charlie is affectionately known as the congenial genius of Watsonville. He is, among his many virtues, a student of music from the 1920s, 30s & 40s, and he is fond of saying that his daily radio talk show is the only one that opens with “The Blues”.

He recently expressed surprise when some nit-witted Hollywood starlit proclaimed it not to be environmentally conscious to use more than a single sheet of toilet paper per visit to the restroom. Most likely she had never seen a forest, other than on a movie set, and someone had probably told her that trees were being killed to make paper.

The method outlined here is intended to bring Charlie up to date; broadening his understanding of current Progressive thinking and helping him live up to his well-deserved “congenial genius” reputation.

Starting with a single sheet of toilet paper, measuring approximately 4 by 4 inches – whether single or double-ply matters not – we fold it first top over bottom, then left over right, which yields a 2-inch square stack of 4 thicknesses of paper.

Taking this folded square firmly in the left hand, we use the right thumb and forefinger to tear off the upper left-hand corner of the stack. This is the corner common to both folds, and the one containing the center of the original sheet. To preserve the torn-off corner, we carefully stick it securely above the right ear – the place where a 19th Century accountant would occasionally rest his #2 Classic.

We then unfold the main sheet and observe that there is now a hole in the center, where the corner was torn off. Inserting the left forefinger through the hole, we can now proceed to wipe our ass with “that” finger.

Next, holding the right hand tightly around the sheet and around “that” finger, we slowly withdraw “that” finger and discard the soiled sheet. Next, being careful to keep it tightly folded, we retrieve the corner from over the right ear and carefully scrape under the fingernail of “that” finger.

I think we should assume that some variant of this method is what the Hollywood starlet had in mind because the method has all the earmarks of having been developed in Hollywood. Charlie was careful to mention during his program that in the unlikely event you should encounter this famous person, it is recommended that you not ask her for either an autograph or a selfie.

By: Jim
Written: February 12, 2020
Published: February 13, 2020