Beer And The Wheel
For countless generations, scholars have theorized and debated over the origins of various current political theories. The following paragraphs carefully analyze and summarize the opposing arguments to finally answer those critical questions.
The two most important discoveries in all of human history were beer and the wheel. Beer required grain, which led to the beginning of agriculture, without which everyone would have starved. Were it not for the invention of beer, there would be no pub-crawl or chug-a-lug, and Bavarians would be drinking Gatorade with their Schweinshaxe. Imagine if you can, happy hour with hot wings and iced tea, or the July 4th block party with ribs and sparkling Perrier.
Since neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can had been invented yet, our early ancestors stayed close to the brewery and that is how villages were formed. Every village had one or more gathering places where early humans quenched their thirst, which is what prompted Samuel Adams (or was it Samuel Johnson?) to write, “there is nothing which has yet been contrived by man, by which so much happiness is provided as by a good tavern or inn”. Later, the wheel was invented to transport Man to the tavern, but more importantly – home after the tavern.
These two singularly unique inventions were to become the foundation of modern civilization and together they formed the catalyst for dividing all of humanity into two distinct subgroups. The first of those was composed of those men and women who spent their days tracking and unmercifully killing innocent animals to BBQ at night while they drank beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement – they would later be referred to as the “ Deplorables ” ( Oops! ).
The other subgroup, being less skilled at hunting, became known as “vegetarians”, which was the early human word for “bad hunter”. They did the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing, and they quickly learned to live off the spoils of Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs, where they mooched scraps and drank from the cups of the “working class”. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement, often referred to as “Librall” movement.
Conservatives were originally symbolized by the Wooly Mammoth, the most powerful land animal on earth at the time. The modern-day elephant, Wooly’s closest extant relative, seems a reasonable substitute, while Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for reasons that become more obvious as time goes on.
As time passed, with little regard for sensitive feelings, these subgroups became known as, the “thinkers vs feelers”, the “makers vs takers”, or the “doers vs talkers”. Other less respectful terms were used on occasion. Frequently at the end of the day, Liberals would philosophize incessantly about the perfect world imagined by Socrates, but the Conservatives were too busy eating and drinking to be bothered by such nonsense.
The term “progressive” refers to Liberals’ instinctive “feelings of superiority”, resulting from being confronted by Conservatives, who tend to think through unintended consequences and accept the risk of possible failure. Some have questioned whether Napoleon thought he was “progressing” on his trip to Moscow, starting with a half million men and returning less than a year later with 25,000, ah but he was French after all. Meanwhile, a mere 600 years earlier, Genghis Khan and his Conservative marauders were laying waste to most of Asia.
As villages grew into cities, producing the grain to make the beer and hunting the animals for the BBQ continued to be valued as more important than pontificating about social justice and reciting Confucian parables around the campfire, so Conservatives demanded to eat and drink more than the others. This became known as “their fair share”. Although literally written-in-stone, the term was later commandeered and distorted to mean that since Conservatives did the work and produced all the value in the village, they should therefore pay all the taxes.
“Sanctuary cities” evolved around the same time, allowing any person to steal a beer from another and be legally protected by village leaders from recourse by the beer’s rightful owner. This notion had been rejected earlier when, if a Liberal were to steal a beer, eat too much BBQ or even talk too much around the campfire, a Conservative would pick him up by the hair and throw him into the fire. This was the origination of the term, “ mean spirited “.
Core fiscal principles evolved quickly as civilization flourished and businesses came into being. The concept of (1) Profit, leading to (2) Capital Formation, enabling (3) Investment, and therefore (4) Job Creation, and (5) More Goods & Services for everyone, soon became widely accepted. This orderly and logical thought process defined Capitalism, which was quickly adopted, even though the concept was not fully grasped by all. To this day, that thoughtful sequence of each step leading inescapably to the next continues to evade many in Congress and the mainstream media.
Over the centuries Liberals of significant stature, including Mao Zedong, Karl Marx, Ho Chi Minh, Fidel Castro, Barack Obama, and countless others added much color to our world history. Less well-known Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, mental health day, the bro-hug, and food stamps.
Conservatives similarly became known for their early contributions to racism, bigotry, homophobia, xenophobia, and countless other phobias that don’t even have names yet but continue to poison the World with Social Injustice. Their well-known inventions include gun powder, brass knuckles, high-capacity magazines, and nuclear weapons.
The original marijuana dispensary was owned by an evil Conservative Corporation at “Stoned Henge“, where they ripped off innocent Liberals with shameless price gouging. This immoral practice resulted in the stockholders earning a profit, and such practices became the “ cornerstones ” of what would eventually make way for “Henge Fun Managers“.
College professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, filmmakers, therapists, community organizers, and half of all politicians are Liberals. Fractured concepts like bi-lingual education, everyone-gets-a-trophy, and no-letter-grades all came about as the results of Conservatives allowing Liberals to drink too much beer. Baseball’s designated hitter rule exists because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat the ball.
Modern Liberals drink white wine, lite beer with a twist of lime, or imported bottled sparkling water. Some eat sushi but most are vegan. Tofu, vichyssoise, escargot, and delicate Danish pastries are standard Liberal fare. One recent study found that many Liberal women had higher testosterone levels than their male counterparts.
Conservatives on the other hand drink real beer (lots of it), eat red meat and are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and members of the military. Conservatives who own companies hire mostly other Conservatives, accounting for the fact that Liberals account for the bulk of the “structural unemployment rate”.
Liberals like paid vacations, free health care, and taxes on the “rich”. They are generally humored , when telling business leaders what they should produce and how to produce it. They believe that they and their European counterparts are more enlightened than average Americans, explaining why Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives came to conquer the wild American West and stamp out all the Indians.[i]There is no such thing as a Native American. The earliest immigrants to North America came from Asia 13,000 years ago. There were no day spas or sushi bars in America at that time and the trip across the Atlantic by sailing ship was “scary”. Liberals began creeping into America only after Conservatives tamed the Wild West and invented airplanes.
If there happen to be minor factual discrepancies in this text, they will likely be met quickly by fiery emotions – heads spinning like at a whirling dervish reunion – while others will go on saving lives, building tall buildings, and inventing startling new technologies. Should the sequence of some events depicted here differ from the “written record”, consider that history is not what actually happened, but rather what is reported by historians to have happened.