Apology
All of us have probably received an apology that might have been less than fully satisfying at the time, and most of us have likely offered one that was not everything the recipient was hoping for. Apologies can be difficult for the offerer because they carry some level of admission of guilt, and therein lies some personal vulnerability – because the offering might not be graciously accepted. The receiver might also have some discomfort because, although he or she wants to appreciate the offer and be sensitive to the feelings of the offerer, inevitably it is a resurfacing of the original misdeed.
I would never be so bold as to suggest that there is a particularly correct way, to apologize but I will reflect on some methods and types that I have observed and speculate on the potential effects each might have. I have broken them into three categories and offered some examples in the table that follows.
Faux-Apologies are what their names imply. They are false, in the sense that they are not intended to apologize, but rather to shift and escape blame. These are reserved for those who never make mistakes and therefore have no need for a real apology.
Pseudo-Apologies are hollow, in that they express concern and regret but contain nothing that would suggest that the original misdeed should not be expected to reoccur in the future. This category is the most popular and easiest to deliver, although they are largely ineffective.
Genuine-Apologies are truly complete because they convey the requisite regret, but in addition, demonstrate an understanding and convey a conscious effort to avoid the recurrence of the abuse. That means the victim can relax, absent of fear that another encounter could be on the horizon.
The first of the following methods is an absurd exaggeration. The other two methods for handling the same incident[i]… to be added here as I experience them explore some subtle differences; guaranteed to have more lasting effects.
| Faux-Apology | Quasi-Apology | Genuine-Apology |
|---|---|---|
| "I am sorry you got in the way and lost a tooth, but I was swinging at the other guy." 1. admission of guilt | "I am sorry I hit you by mistake and knocked out your tooth, but I meant to hit the other guy." 1. admission of guilt 2. modest remorse | "I am sorry I knocked out your tooth. I certainly didn’t intend to do that and I promise you that I will be more careful in the future." 1. acknowledgment of misdeed 2. sincere regret 3. corrective action |
| "I am sorry I called you ugly names because you made me feel threatened and you know I suffered from a troubled childhood." | "I am sorry I called you ugly names. I really didn’t mean it." | "I am sorry I called you ugly names. I understand how hurtful that was and I want you to know that I will try very hard to not let that happen again." |
| pending | ||
| pending | ||
| In all three categories, listen for; - "but" - "you made me" - "not my fault" - "didn't mean it" - "you know" |
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